Whether you are grieving a death or other loss, the holidays can bring pain.

By Suzanne Degges-White Ph.D.

The natural world moves through the seasons unimpeded, regardless of how we might want to hold back time or turn back the clock. Imagine how it must have been thousands of years ago when there were no Smartphones, no Fitbits, no digital clocks, and no wristwatches. The location of the earth in relation to its sun was the only sure marker of the passing of time.

Today, we rely on calendars and digital readouts to keep us moving forward with the hectic pace of the passing days. We often lose touch with our connection to the natural world until we experience a life changing event that locks that moment down into the month or the season. “The Holiday Season,” with capital letters, is one of those markers that is meant to provide a space of awe and wonder and delight. More than one television commercial this season presents the stereotypical lonely older adult being buoyed up by caring neighbors and family that appear on the scene to work holiday magic.

Unfortunately, many lonely people do not have a bunch of neighbors, friends, or families eager to surprise them with holiday lights, tins of cookies, or invitations to join them for a holiday meal. There are also many individuals of all ages, as well as entire families, that suffer greatly at this time of year as their awareness of an empty chair at the table grows even keener as warm family togetherness and extraordinary holiday joy are being held up as the bar against which all holiday experiences should be measured.

The edge of winter is creeping up on us as the Winter Solstice grows nearer. Sometimes the shortened days of late autumn can produce unexpected feelings of depression on their own; if a loved one’s absence is also affecting a person, the one-two punch can send someone spiraling deep into a very dark place. Putting on a brave face for others can be especially difficult when the world is blasting us with images of group hugs and the memory of your final hug with someone you love is all that you can think about.

If you are suffering this holiday season, here are a few suggestions for helping you cope with any grief or sadness you may be experiencing:

1. Don’t completely isolate yourself from other people.
2. Allow yourself space to acknowledge your loss and the pain it has produced, but do not let yourself use the loss as an excuse to escape through alcohol or other addictive substances.
3. If a particular ritual is just too painful to try and continue this year, accept that there are limits to what you are capable of doing and forgive yourself for that.
4. Create a special new ritual that honors the person who is no longer with you.
5. Light a special candle and offer a silent or spoken tribute to this person.
6. Add a special decoration to your collection and display it in this person’s honor.
7. Choose a special recipe that was always a favorite and prepare it each year – saying a special prayer in their honor before consuming it.
8. Ask yourself and your family what this person loved most about the holiday season – and engage in this aspect of the holiday with especial fervor! If it was the lights of the season, throw your heart into decorating your home with the lights that always brought a smile! If it was the cookies, bake your heart out – even if you aren’t the most talent chef, enjoy doing something that your loved one would have enjoyed seeing happen. If it was the carols and songs of the season, let the CDs, Sirius, or Pandora serenade the silence with the songs this person loved.
9. Remind yourself that at this time of year, the shortest day falls on the last day of autumn. Winter may bring the coldest weather, the deepest hibernation of animal life, the barren trees may stand out starkly against the winter sky, but remind yourself that once the first day of winter has arrived, the days are once again growing in length and the nights are beginning to shorten. This is a magic time when we can feel the change in the natural world on a very deep level. The grief or loss you feel may ebb and flow like a tide, but remind yourself that there is a natural rhythm in life and it truly is always darkest before the dawn.
10. Honor your feelings, but don’t allow yourself to get so wrapped up in the loss that you forget the gifts that this person had brought to your life! When we let ourselves get sucked into a place of abject grief and darkness, we are sacrificing the joy that this person inspired in our lives and in others. Feeling sadness and grief is natural and normal; forgetting about the positive life force this person had been is not.

If your holiday season is a time of grief and hurt, know that you are not alone. Others also are suffering as the world blares entreaties to be “merry and bright,” but sadness and heartache are filling your heart. Know, too, that peace and comfort are still attainable for you in the holidays. Celebrate and honor the person who is no longer at the table; keep them in your heart and keep their positive life force flowing through the actions you take at this time of year.

Posted in Psychology Today